In October, I remember reading USA Today and reading an article that left me completely dumbfounded. In Missouri, a wild deer was found with the word “pet” painted on its body, indicating to hunters in the area to not shoot it. Many of the townsfolk complained that it was outrageous. The thought of owning such a wild animal was so crazy, it should be completely outlawed in every US state. As a matter of fact, it’s illegal in 34 American states. But I think that’s ridiculous. When has owning a wild animal been something humanity shunned? Every animal we’ve domesticated was wild at one time or another. I see people owning raccoons on my TikTok feed, and mind you, they’re the cutest, most well-behaved raccoons I’ve ever seen. So why deer? What’s so special about deer that we draw the line at the thought of owning them?
I guess it’s important to note that a lot of people only see deer as one thing: food. Food for wolves, food for vultures, even food for us. I know a lot of people who would buy a deer just to reduce it to venison. Why would you own a pet you could so easily turn into meat?
Good point. However: cows. Yes, cows. My own brother owns a pet cow, who’s so gentle and so loving that even my one-year-old nephew runs to play with him. That cow is the fluffiest, cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life, and it’s also just an animal that’s seen as meat. Where do your steaks come from, after all? I’ve never seen anyone complain about someone owning a cow, either. Why is it that I can own a cow without being judged or legally persecuted in the state of NY, but I can’t own a coues deer? What’s a cute little coues deer going to do to you?
Unfortunately, I write like I don’t know the answer. People are primarily afraid of the infamous rut, or deer mating season, where male deer tend to be very aggressive and buck their antlers into each other. During this season, the deer are typically volatile, being fine in one moment and hostile in the next. But it’s not like we don’t all own violent animals. Every domestic animal you can name is capable of landing you in the hospital. As a matter of fact, I’d argue your siamese cat Oscar is more likely to land you in a coma than my soon-to-be pet deer who I’m already super emotionally attached to and already have named Teakwood. I haven’t even met him yet, either, but he’s my cute little Teaky, and he’d never hurt a soul.
My favorite thing to talk about in this topic is just how darn cute deer are. I’m sure you’ve seen it in the article picture, but deer are genuinely some of the cutest animals known to mankind. They can be made into deer sandwiches, they can wear little hats, they can frolic around and do cute dances, they can play with inflatable balls — they can do every cute thing you’ve ever seen a golden retriever do, and then some. I’ve already attached some of my favorite pictures of deer to the article, and I know you can’t look through the entire gallery of images and tell me that they’re an animal likely to hurt you.
Overall, this whole debate is rather stupid. You already know that deer can’t hurt you. You already know that they’re the cutest thing to ever grace this planet, and that they’re begging for pets and attention just as much as your pet dog. You already know that Teaky is the best pet ever known to mankind, and you’re just jealous of my imaginary bond with an animal I haven’t even met yet. Honestly, just suck it up, and buy a deer of your own. They can’t stop us all if every single one of us bought a deer today. Join The Deer Legion. The Deer Army. No– no, The Deer-owning Defensive! No, the…
I’ll think of something. Just buy a deer. You know you want to.