Grief. It’s a very strange thing. By definition it means “deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.” It has a definition and yet no one can describe it. It is different for everyone. It’s something you wish for no one. And, yet, everyone is forced to go through it at some point in their lives.
When it happens people will always try to comfort you, and most of the time I wish they wouldn’t. They don’t know how it feels. And when they try to tell you how it’s going to get better, I don’t want to hear it.
The pain of losing someone is hard to ever imagine. You can lose people in different ways. It might be a big fight or a move across the country. Regardless, loss changes who you are as a person. However, losing someone because of death is the hardest thing to ever imagine because there is no more time. There will be no other chance to say or do something one more time.
I first lost someone when I was 12 years old. I lost my “Grandad,” as we called him. I was in sixth grade. I don’t think at the time I truly understood what had happened. I was too naive to comprehend the loss. However, as I have gotten older, the pain both dulls and gets stronger every day. Then when I was 15 years old, I lost my grandmother (my “Nanny”). Finally, I lost my last living grandparent I had ever known (my “Opa”) also at 15.
After a while, you forget how painful it is to lose someone. But then one day it crashes into you like a truck. It’s a wave that hits you over and over and over again. Never stopping. Never letting you take a break. Never letting you breathe. It hurts so bad you can’t even describe it.
Grief is a strange thing. Even now I can’t describe exactly how I feel. There are times when I don’t even think about my grandparents and my day is as normal as it can be. And then there are days when I’m crying myself to sleep because I miss them so much. Holidays just make everything worse. Don’t get me wrong, I love celebrating holidays — always have and always will. Now, though, with all the joy I feel on these days, there is also so much sadness. I miss going over to my grandparents and trying to convince my Grandad to open the presents sooner rather than later. Or my Nanny sneaking us food before dinner was ready. I miss being able to hug them or just tell them I love them, and hear them say it back, one last time.
Holidays have lost their excitement. I asked myself why I don’t feel as excited for holidays as I used to. Why? I have asked myself this for a while. And I think I finally found the answer during Christmas 2023. It took me a little more than three years to understand. It’s because I lost the excitement I found with my grandparents. When I was little I thought the holidays were fun because of all the presents and all the good food. I still have the presents and the good food now, but it’s not as exciting as it used to be. Why? Because I took advantage of my grandparents. I took advantage of all the good times with them. I wish I could go back and tell myself to just cherish the memories a little bit more. Hug our grandparents just a little bit tighter. Because you’ll never know when it will be the last time. And you will regret not having hugged them tighter sooner. Because when they don’t even remember your name, you’ll want all the memories you have because it’s all that is left.
And that’s not even the worst part. I lost my loved ones by old age, cancer, and dementia, but they all lived such long and helpful lives. However, there are so many people who have lost family that didn’t get the chance to live. I feel for them. Sometimes I feel horribly for feeling the pain I feel. Even though I know it’s okay to feel what I feel, I don’t feel right feeling this pain when I know others have so much more.
There are people who don’t even understand what grief is. They’re lucky. They might not think that they are, but they are insanely lucky. They might claim that they understand grief, but they never will. Not until they lose someone themselves. These people are very ignorant to the pain of death and, to be very frank, it shows. When they try to comfort us or try to make us feel better, they don’t know how to. Sometimes they try to make jokes with us to “make us feel better,” and their jokes are so insensitive that it just makes me feel worse in the long run.
Grief sucks. There’s no good thing about it. No one should ever have to go through it, but everyone will have to go through it at some point in their lives. Whether it be a family member, a pet, or a long-time best friend. Grief makes you realize that time is not to be wasted. Time, memories and life must be cherished. You never know when the last time you see someone will truly be the last last time.
So the next time you see someone you love, let them know. Let the people you love know you love them. You never want to regret not telling someone you love them. If you don’t tell them, I swear to you, you will regret it for the rest of your life.